Doing it all.

I want to play music again. Really play. It's funny how extreme joy and/or pain distracts you from yourself and all the little things that make you complete. I'm generally so open to new things that I let other people's identities seep into my own. It's not always bad... I've discovered many things that I never would've known I was passionate about or even good at. Running was like that for me. I always knew I was a secret wannabe-athlete... I think it's part of the reason I moved to Colorado (whether I knew it at the time or not). But meeting some of the people I've met and being encouraged in an athletic direction has opened my eyes to a cross-section of this life I never would've thought I'd like to be a part of. Now, I can't really imagine giving it up. I'll never be an Olympian or a World Cup athlete. Not because I'm not capable, but because I don't want to be. That's someone else's identity, not mine.

When you decide what you want, I'm always amazed at how the right people enter your life. I was out for drinks with some work friends last night and one of my co-workers, Fern, casually mentioned that he plays classical guitar with a group. They play for private parties and functions... and he sometimes jams out with locals just for fun. As soon as I told him I was a singer, the doors started to fly open. Our waiter was a friend of his and also an excellent drummer. Fern started concocting ways I could meet other musicians and was really encouraging about my chances of performing a lot in this valley. The thing about small towns is that you can get your name out there really quickly. I felt happier and more excited than I've felt in ages. And that's how you know you just discovered a piece of yourself you should pay more attention to.

I want to compose again. I want to meet a couple great musicians and sing with them. So I think I will. I guess there are a lot of guitarists in this valley and not a lot of singers. Sounds like a problem I could remedy.

And I'm writing again. My head is clearer and I'm smiling more... genuinely smiling (because there's a difference). Colorado equals mountains and running and biking and skiing... but that shouldn't make anyone subtract the other things that make them whole. I can be a runner and a skier and climb mountains and win races and still geek out with my Norton Anthology. I can perform in musical theatre productions and play the piano every day and also be a kickass backcountry skier this winter. I've met some people here who think it's one or the other. It's being an indoor kid vs. an outdoor kid. And the thing they're all missing... the thing I can't ever let myself forget... is that it isn't either/or. My life will NEVER be all one thing. And choosing both doesn't make me any less of a singer. Or any less of a passionate runner. As long as you avoid half-assing anything, you can choose whatever combination you want. The people who go through life without realizing that fact... the people who are so stuck on what they THINK they should want or what they THINK their "type" needs to be, have it all wrong. I work for what I want. I'm good at what I do. But I will never, ever pick one or the other.

"'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die."

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Reality.

Wow. To say it's been a while is an understatement. More than a few things have changed and although the mountains still create the backdrop for my life, everything looks pretty different.

I've learned my fair share of lessons in the last few months, and one that has been blaring at me since the middle of May is the fact that trouble will find you... even in the mountains of Colorado. My last two blog entries were full of the enthusiasm and joy and wonder of being somewhere so refreshingly new. I meant every word. But at some point, the "real life" stuff starts to happen to you. Friends move away. Jobs go downhill. Trails get muddy and relationships go sour. The less desirable parts of yourself... the parts you tried to leave behind in your quest to move somewhere new and feel more alive, start to appear. I came to Colorado for ME. I came to be independent, to do some serious soul searching, and to choose a hard but worthwhile path forward. And what did I do? I fell into my comfort zone of depending on someone else.

Badly done, Franny. Badly done.

We all do it. Whether we become so paralyzed we can't move forward, too arrogant to face our own humanity, or too dependent on those around us... we fall into old habits and old ways of coping. I need to be patient with myself and at least I've avoided the real tragedy of not realizing these things as they're happening. You fall into a rut, shit hits the fan, but you claw your way back out. That's when you realize what you're really made of. Calvin's dad (of Calvin and Hobbes) would say these moments "build character." I'd have to agree.

For the last couple months, I have been clawing my way out of my rut. Lucky for me, some pretty incredible doors have opened. I started a fantastic job in the Vail Valley as a Children's Book Specialist for a great independent bookstore. It's my dream job, really. I want to open my own children's bookstore (eventually), and this job will give me the tools to do it. The Vail Valley is interesting... I still haven't gotten a great feel for it and I do miss Winter Park. But my roommates are really sweet and I've met some truly wonderful people.

I live within a few miles of numerous ski areas. I have a fantastic condo within walking distance of my job. I landed the lead role in The Music Man in Breckenridge and am singing again. I have already been to a neighborhood BBQ, hiked three 14ers, and seen a couple great concerts (in Telluride and Red Rocks). I'm running. I have a bike. I have a work friend who invites me on crazy hikes starting between 3 and 4am. I am perfectly poised to achieve success in every area of my life... extreme, life-changing success.

Sometimes, I'm downright scared. Sometimes, I feel incredibly lonely and all I want to do is stare at all the closed doors behind me. I make intense, emotional connections with people which is both a blessing and a curse. I am a fierce friend and if someone gains my trust, I will be with them till the end. But if they leave... or I have to leave... it kills me. To live that way is both strong and weak at the same time. And it's essential to become skilled at recognizing those who are worthy of your time, energy, and effort. I've met some who aren't. I've met some who I thought were, but weren't.  But lucky for me, I've met a few who are absolutely worth it. Those are the ones to hang onto, through it all.

I've been through a hell of a lot in the last few months. I feel slightly overwhelmed, but capable. I encounter something every single day that scares me, but I continue to beat it. My rut is behind me. Ever onwards.

Life is a grand adventure.