Reality.

Wow. To say it's been a while is an understatement. More than a few things have changed and although the mountains still create the backdrop for my life, everything looks pretty different.

I've learned my fair share of lessons in the last few months, and one that has been blaring at me since the middle of May is the fact that trouble will find you... even in the mountains of Colorado. My last two blog entries were full of the enthusiasm and joy and wonder of being somewhere so refreshingly new. I meant every word. But at some point, the "real life" stuff starts to happen to you. Friends move away. Jobs go downhill. Trails get muddy and relationships go sour. The less desirable parts of yourself... the parts you tried to leave behind in your quest to move somewhere new and feel more alive, start to appear. I came to Colorado for ME. I came to be independent, to do some serious soul searching, and to choose a hard but worthwhile path forward. And what did I do? I fell into my comfort zone of depending on someone else.

Badly done, Franny. Badly done.

We all do it. Whether we become so paralyzed we can't move forward, too arrogant to face our own humanity, or too dependent on those around us... we fall into old habits and old ways of coping. I need to be patient with myself and at least I've avoided the real tragedy of not realizing these things as they're happening. You fall into a rut, shit hits the fan, but you claw your way back out. That's when you realize what you're really made of. Calvin's dad (of Calvin and Hobbes) would say these moments "build character." I'd have to agree.

For the last couple months, I have been clawing my way out of my rut. Lucky for me, some pretty incredible doors have opened. I started a fantastic job in the Vail Valley as a Children's Book Specialist for a great independent bookstore. It's my dream job, really. I want to open my own children's bookstore (eventually), and this job will give me the tools to do it. The Vail Valley is interesting... I still haven't gotten a great feel for it and I do miss Winter Park. But my roommates are really sweet and I've met some truly wonderful people.

I live within a few miles of numerous ski areas. I have a fantastic condo within walking distance of my job. I landed the lead role in The Music Man in Breckenridge and am singing again. I have already been to a neighborhood BBQ, hiked three 14ers, and seen a couple great concerts (in Telluride and Red Rocks). I'm running. I have a bike. I have a work friend who invites me on crazy hikes starting between 3 and 4am. I am perfectly poised to achieve success in every area of my life... extreme, life-changing success.

Sometimes, I'm downright scared. Sometimes, I feel incredibly lonely and all I want to do is stare at all the closed doors behind me. I make intense, emotional connections with people which is both a blessing and a curse. I am a fierce friend and if someone gains my trust, I will be with them till the end. But if they leave... or I have to leave... it kills me. To live that way is both strong and weak at the same time. And it's essential to become skilled at recognizing those who are worthy of your time, energy, and effort. I've met some who aren't. I've met some who I thought were, but weren't.  But lucky for me, I've met a few who are absolutely worth it. Those are the ones to hang onto, through it all.

I've been through a hell of a lot in the last few months. I feel slightly overwhelmed, but capable. I encounter something every single day that scares me, but I continue to beat it. My rut is behind me. Ever onwards.

Life is a grand adventure.