Doing it all.

I want to play music again. Really play. It's funny how extreme joy and/or pain distracts you from yourself and all the little things that make you complete. I'm generally so open to new things that I let other people's identities seep into my own. It's not always bad... I've discovered many things that I never would've known I was passionate about or even good at. Running was like that for me. I always knew I was a secret wannabe-athlete... I think it's part of the reason I moved to Colorado (whether I knew it at the time or not). But meeting some of the people I've met and being encouraged in an athletic direction has opened my eyes to a cross-section of this life I never would've thought I'd like to be a part of. Now, I can't really imagine giving it up. I'll never be an Olympian or a World Cup athlete. Not because I'm not capable, but because I don't want to be. That's someone else's identity, not mine.

When you decide what you want, I'm always amazed at how the right people enter your life. I was out for drinks with some work friends last night and one of my co-workers, Fern, casually mentioned that he plays classical guitar with a group. They play for private parties and functions... and he sometimes jams out with locals just for fun. As soon as I told him I was a singer, the doors started to fly open. Our waiter was a friend of his and also an excellent drummer. Fern started concocting ways I could meet other musicians and was really encouraging about my chances of performing a lot in this valley. The thing about small towns is that you can get your name out there really quickly. I felt happier and more excited than I've felt in ages. And that's how you know you just discovered a piece of yourself you should pay more attention to.

I want to compose again. I want to meet a couple great musicians and sing with them. So I think I will. I guess there are a lot of guitarists in this valley and not a lot of singers. Sounds like a problem I could remedy.

And I'm writing again. My head is clearer and I'm smiling more... genuinely smiling (because there's a difference). Colorado equals mountains and running and biking and skiing... but that shouldn't make anyone subtract the other things that make them whole. I can be a runner and a skier and climb mountains and win races and still geek out with my Norton Anthology. I can perform in musical theatre productions and play the piano every day and also be a kickass backcountry skier this winter. I've met some people here who think it's one or the other. It's being an indoor kid vs. an outdoor kid. And the thing they're all missing... the thing I can't ever let myself forget... is that it isn't either/or. My life will NEVER be all one thing. And choosing both doesn't make me any less of a singer. Or any less of a passionate runner. As long as you avoid half-assing anything, you can choose whatever combination you want. The people who go through life without realizing that fact... the people who are so stuck on what they THINK they should want or what they THINK their "type" needs to be, have it all wrong. I work for what I want. I'm good at what I do. But I will never, ever pick one or the other.

"'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die."

- Alfred Lord Tennyson